the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
this beer tastes like vomit already
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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