i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
