i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
