the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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