I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
