so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
