Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
