For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
