***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
