tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The Olympian is in my bed
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
