I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i think i have two assholes
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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