It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
