My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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