She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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