the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
