Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
