We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
