No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
