My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
