Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
