Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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