you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
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