"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
