omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
