Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
