i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
