just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
