I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
