textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
