so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
