Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
