you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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