dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
