Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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