I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
