between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
