His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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