If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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