I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
