is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
