My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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