You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
