Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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