There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
