I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I did not marry a roomba.
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