She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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