theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
