I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
