I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
