So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
