Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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