If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
That's intense
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
