im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
