someone threw a dead crab at me
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
