it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
They took my balls.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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